Advice For Young Men In Finding A Wife

The words "An excellent wife who can find?" emphasize the rarity of an already agonizing search. It's enough for a young man to feel his knotted stomach and sweaty hands as he risks the possibility of being shot down for asking a girl on a date. The added pressure is whether she will bless or destroy. Is she precious as jewels or is she dangerously seductive? 

The Proverbs offer a way. A way to see what kind of man you ought to be, while also seeing what kind of woman you should pursue. The Proverbs offers this insight through a father's counsel. Son, this is Lady Wisdom, and this is Dame Folly. They are different paths. One to life, the other to destruction. Both carry appeal. Both promise satisfaction. Only one fulfills its promises. The father also helps the son see that this is not only true of Wisdom and Folly, but as they are personified by women, that it is true of women as well. But being able to see the way to wisdom and an excellent wife necessitates a wise father to speak. To speak and say, "Be this kind of man." And not only be this kind of man, but find this kind of woman. Like wisdom, she is beautiful and requires a search, but when found, she will give you life. And see the seducer. She is loud and available, and like folly will destroy you. But how will a fatherless generation know what kind of men to be and what kind of woman to find? 

Given the regular frustrations I hear from men and women in pastoral ministry, I would like to humbly offer some general advice to wandering men: what kind of woman to pursue and what kind of man to be. I recognize I am almost twenty years removed from the dating scene and that technology has changed even how we relate and get to know a person, but I believe what I say below is still profitable for today. And though much of my advice is weighed with Scripture, some of it is just what I find to be clear in the natural ordering of Creation. My advice will be direct; thus, I intend to be proverbial rather than nuanced. Like most advice, some of it you can take or leave, but my overall goal would be to give a young man insight to grow in competency and confidence to pursue a woman. Hopefully, some of those women who eavesdrop can desire to be such a woman and to be pursued by such a man. 

First, let's start with attraction. 

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Physical Attraction is Good

A young man must learn that "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." But he would be wrong to believe that love is blind. Character matters, but every married man has pursued a woman he thought to be physically beautiful. 

This is right and good. When Adam saw the Woman for the first time, he sang something very fleshly, in a good sense. In awe and wonder of who is like him yet different, he says, she is flesh of his flesh and bone of his bones. Sure, he will long for her companionship and counsel, but he sees someone who was separated from him, someone he is meant to be physically brought together with. 

Physical beauty, strength, and first-glance competencies are the ways we initially measure one another. I love my wife. I love her personality and her opinions, but these are not the first things that drew me to her. I met her first in English Lit at our local community college. And before I came to love the content of her character, I was drawn to the allure of her physique. I was attracted to her brown curly hair, her green eyes, dark skin, full lips, feminine curvatures, and athletic physique. 

This is not shallow. This is not lust. God did not create us for porn or for sexual fantasies. But he did create us to be allured to the physicality of the opposite sex. Physical attraction and the desire to pursue the girl you sit next to in class are God-given desires. They are desires that, if coupled with courage and self-control, will take you on a journey to potentially make her your wife. 

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Look for a Woman Who Likes Men in General

In C.R. Wiley's Man of the House, he states that you can trust a woman who likes men in general. Not in a flirtatious sense, but a woman who sees the good in masculine nature. And since defining "masculinity" can be like nailing jello to the wall, let me just briefly list some biblical characteristics I have in mind: strong, courageous, initiative, exhortive, resilient, provider, protector. 

You want a woman who does not see men and these masculine characteristics as a plague upon the world. You can love a woman who wants to be loved by a man—a woman who does not resent him for his strength. You can see this in how she talks about men in general. If men skate on thin ice with her, guess who will too. 

One of the things I loved about Annie is that she loved and respected her dad and her brothers. She also showed no resentment towards my male friends. She knew their brotherhood was important to me, and she still encourages such relationships today. 

Now, the question, "What about women who grew up with fathers or other men who were not respectable, negligent, harsh, or domineering?" First of all, this is a shame as it misrepresents God, and we as Christians need to be ready to extend grace and patience towards those who have suffered such perversions. Suffering, though, regularly provides the opportunity for faith or unbelief, for us to be hardened in our hearts, especially in a culture that will pamper our grievances. So, as we extend grace and patience, I think the question we want to ask is, "Are they open to faith?" Will they feel justified in deeming an entire demographic as suspect because of their personal experience? Are they willing to believe the perversion of manhood does not dictate the goodness of manhood? Or will their unbelief keep them hardened? 

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Look for a Woman Who Loves Children

When I was in high school, it was never clear to me what I wanted to pursue career-wise, but for the longest time, I knew I wanted to be a father. Long before we had kids, and even when Annie and I started dating, it was clear to me that she loved children. She was not too busy to talk with children and hold them. And this love and draw towards children is important for at least two reasons. 

One, she is going to want to build a family with you. Women can indeed do more than have babies, but I would be careful with a woman who makes that boast a lot. Women can be industrious in many ways, but only women can be mothers. If Jesus says to us all, "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me," then we should all feel the weight of these words in a culture that does not value children. But how much more those who have been created to grow babies in their wombs, nourish them with their breast, and demonstrate the gentleness of motherhood. Even single women with no children possess a maternal nature and compassionate care that the world needs. So find a woman who sees motherhood and gentleness as a high calling of her particular nature. 

Two, if a woman is tender with the most innocent of creatures, then there's a good chance she will help build your home with tenderness, compassion, and patience. Your home needs these virtues, and mothers are great at fostering them. When the road is hard, you will need such tender support from your wife. 

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Look for a Woman Who is Diligent

My affections for Annie actually grew while we were on a Hurricane Katrina relief trip. The reason was not just because we got to talk more, but because I got to see her work hard and serve others. The woman who personifies wisdom in Proverbs 31 is a woman of diligence, and rightly so, because God made us for dominion. And God made us for dominion together. The Lord said it was not right for the man to be alone. Not only did he need someone to populate the world, but he also needed someone to help take dominion and spread the glory of God throughout all the earth. 

Men, find you a woman who will truly be a helper to you. Find you a wife who will help you to fulfill your duty to glorify your Lord. Your duty is to build an industrious and fruitful home that blesses those within it and overflows in love to those outside of it. 

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Look for a Woman Who Believes What You Believe

Surely, we have different personalities and opinions on a variety of things, but on the fundamentals, Annie and I are in unity. What are some of those important fundamentals? Well, this should be a given: our faith in Christ and our devotion to Christ's church. Our convictions are part of our nature and shape how we function as men and women. Our convictions on how we raise our children. Our convictions on money and work. This doesn't mean we never have conversations or differences in some aspects of parenting or in how we use our money. Still, overall, we are moving forward with a shared vision and values for what we believe to be honorable lives lived before God. 

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Look for a Woman Who Respects You

In Ephesians 5, we see that a wife is to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ, and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Paul also goes on to say, "Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Whether they know it or not, men crave respect. Respect from their friends. Respect from their employer or employees. Respect from their kids. And most importantly, respect from their wife. Show me an angry man, and I can often show you a man who does not feel respected. 

It's vital to marry a woman who will respect you. Marriage will be hell if you marry a woman who is going to undermine or question everything that comes out of your mouth. Young men need to find a woman who sees God's word as wisdom and sees it as a good call to respect and follow her husband. 

Now, no wise woman is going to give herself to a man who is not respectable. So, as you look for a woman who will respect you, the question is: "Are you a respectable man?" Any man who can only wield God's word to call his wife to respect him because he has no character to attract her respect is weak. Be a man who is worthy of respect. 

So how can you become respectable? What follows is what I would encourage a young man to aim for as he seeks to be a man a woman would want. 

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Initial Attractive Characteristics

Certainly, you should aspire towards godly virtues, but as Aaron Renn has written in his article, The Basis for Attraction, some evangelical leaders have deceived young men into thinking that if they are just godly, then single women will flock to them. This is unhelpful, not because men shouldn't be godly, but in one sense, it gets the cart before the horse in how attraction actually works. Renn explains this by dividing certain characteristics into "alpha" and "beta" characteristics. He refers to the "alpha" characteristics as "attraction" characteristics and the "beta" characteristics as "investment" characteristics. The alpha characteristics can initiate the relationship, while the beta characteristics can sustain it.  Some of those which he lists for "alpha" are: athletic, confident, looks, money, status, and dangerous (potentially to others). Some of the beta characteristics are: commitment, generosity, fidelity, safeness, stability, and wisdom. 

Considering the role attraction plays does not mean that we are taking a "worldly" or "sinful" approach to potential prospects. I would suggest that, instead, it is simply recognizing how to cut with the grain of Creation. God has made us in particular ways with particular desires. Sure, we need to examine our desires, since we know they are tainted by a sinful nature. But we don't need to resist what God has created us for. 

So, who should you strive to be as a man who can find a wife? Be a man by showing yourself to be strong. Be strong by becoming competent and exhibiting confidence. Women want competent men. How can you grow in strength and competency?

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Appearance and Hygiene

I remember a young man asking me one time how he could grow as a man. My advice was not that he should read his Bible more. Rather, I told him to stop showing up at church in slides, shorts, and a hat to cover up his greasy, disheveled hair. He looked like a lazy college student, and though he desired marriage, he was sending no signals to young women that he was ready for marriage. 

Dress for the woman you want. This actually is not selfish. It's actually more selfish to put in no effort and become frustrated that women are not interested in you. If you don't know what to wear, then ask someone in the church. People actually love giving advice. You may not need all of it, but it can provide direction if you are clueless about how to present yourself. Give some time to the mirror. Fix your hair. Shave or maintain a great beard. Bathe, brush your teeth, and put on some cologne. If you can't afford a gym membership this season, buy some dumbbells or just do some bodyweight movements every day. Give some time to yourself, and you will not only present yourself more respectably, but you will grow in confidence, which in turn will make you expect more from yourself. 

One time, a young man in a former church was complaining to a pastor about the single women in our church, particularly that they would not give him a chance. The pastor stopped him and said, "I smell your bad breath right now." How can you hold a confident expectation for single women in the church, while you keep such a low one for yourself? What is it telling her when she sees the Scriptures say that a husband is to nourish and cherish his wife as he would his own body, but see you not even caring for yourself? What does that tell her about her potential care for her? 

This advice may sound juvenile and obvious, but it's not. It's why a whole generation of men has flocked to the internet, looking for a father figure to give them tangible advice. Go and listen to the voices young men subscribe to, and you will find those voices usually providing three things: A narrative of how the world is, sympathies towards the current struggles of men, and then the most basic advice you have ever heard.

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Exercise Self-Control

God has created us for dominion, but there is no way we can take proper dominion in the earth and grow in competency if we cannot control ourselves. 

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Proverbs 16:32

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty,

and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

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God has primarily made you for cultivation, not consumption. And consumption will give way to passivity, and passivity will give way to no confidence in this life. It is an endless cycle. If you don't have the power to say no to the allure of digital devices, food, and drink, how will you exhibit the power to provide and care for others? Grow by compounding the small steps that will grow you in self-control. Go to bed fifteen minutes earlier, lift some weights, drink water, create a budget, delete social media apps, etc. These may not be your small steps, but we all have identifiable small steps we can compound to build greater self-control. 

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Sharpen Your Axe 

By 'axe,' I mean a gift that others have identified in you. Don't be lazy with it. Honor the gift God has given you with gratitude and hard work to hone it in all the more. Sharpen the axe lest it become dull. Whether it be an analytical or creative mind, artistic or mechanical hands, a strong back or a strong tongue, know yourself, and sharpen the axe. 

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Become a Generalist 

Grow in ways that you feel uncomfortable. The most I've ever grown in confidence in my whole life was working in general maintenance. Every day, my work orders brought me a mystery, usually a problem I had never seen before. And though I had worked with my hands some growing up, the solutions often would not come quickly to me. The struggle of problem-solving and familiarizing myself with tools I once thought dangerous grew my competency and, thus, my confidence. Your job may not offer this to you, but in whatever way you can, become a generalist. If you are in the knowledge economy, then fix what is broken at your house, even if it takes a long time to figure it out. If you often work with your hands, don't plop in front of your phone or the TV. Become a reader. Become someone who knows how to think and is apt to talk about various subjects. 

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Imitate Respectable Men 

To be a fool is to be wise in your own eyes. To grow in this life, we need the examples of others. Imitating others is largely what discipleship is. What respectable men are you seeking to listen to and follow? What man has his wife's and children's respect? What man is respectable in his field of work? What man has built things, whether it be his own business, house, or other institutions? Follow such men. Invite them to coffee and ask them what they gave themselves to every day. Watch from afar and imitate what they do. How do they speak with their children? Ponder, why do people listen to them? 

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Work Hard. 

The Proverbs, in general, illuminate the prospect of diligence. Diligence results in wealth, while laziness leads to poverty (Proverbs 10:4). Diligence leads to ruling. At the same time, the slothful will be forced into labor (Proverbs 12:24). The plans of the diligent lead to profit, while acting in haste leads to poverty (Proverbs 21:5). Show yourself to be a man of diligence. Stop saying you are too busy and providing excuses for not working or serving. I regularly hear young, single, and married people with no children say they are too busy. Now, some of them have bitten off more than they can chew with full-time work and full-time academic schedules, but some of them barely work forty hours a week and say that they are busy. This can happen to people at other stations in life as well, but I often suspect that if one were to look at digital consumption from social media and television, we would see that we are not overworked but overstimulated, wasting a life away.  

Look, if you are young and are only working 30-40 hours per week, then find something to do with the rest of your time. Think about it. If you work 40 hours each week and get 8 hours of sleep each night, you have 72 hours of "leisure" time left. Take a Sabbath, and you still have 48 hours, two whole days to do something creative and productive. 

What could you do? Create a habit of visiting someone at the church once a week for a meal. Find a business owner in the church and see if they have some work you can do on the side. Try to grow in learning a trade. Start a side hustle. Do something that will keep your habits diligent and show yourself worthy of providing and caring for others. You will never be this young and full of energy again. Don't squander it on gaming, entertainment, and consumption. 

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Take Risks. 

Though many women will need the long-term investment of a "safe man", someone who will hold her, protect her, and never raise his voice at her, she will not look for a man who plays it safe. Women don't want men who are too calculated. Men are built to take risks, and when they don't, it often exhibits that they are controlled by fear of the world. The world is a fearful place. Nobody wants to die. Nobody wants to lose their tails on a bad investment. Nobody wants to have their name dragged through the mud for confronting evil. But nobody also wants to follow men who are trying to get to their deathbed with no scars. 

There are many ways in which a man can take proper risks, but personally, I think more young men should take the risk of entrepreneurship. This is a risk that can even be taken first as a side hustle, mitigating the risk and making the reward all the more worth the pursuit. The reward very well could be that you work for yourself, set the culture of your business, and provide for others. With all the potential untapped trades that are still out there waiting for the next generation to take up the mantle, young men should be exploring the various possibilities of how they could hustle a little more, take the risk of starting their own business, or at least advance in subsistence. And almost certainly, in exercising such risk-taking and competency, they gain themselves a wife. 

Think as well how these calls to manhood do indeed relate to godliness. What are the virtues of Christ if an industrious life does not refine them? What is the strength of one's godliness if it always remains untested in the safe confines before the entertainment center? Godly women do need godly men, but no godliness is forged without discipline, both God's fatherly discipline he exercises in our lives and the hard paths we give ourselves to.

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Ask Her Out

So let's take the next step. The greatest risk a man can ever take. Asking a girl out. You know who you are attracted to. Share it with some men or a trusted couple in your church. Ask for their counsel. Pray for courage. Ask if you can treat her to coffee just to get to know her more. You may get shot down, and it may hurt. But this is the beauty of pursuit. Such situations make me think of Matt Damon's character in We Bought a Zoo as he takes his children to the diner where he first asked their mom out. He sees her through the diner window; her beauty takes him aback, and he recites his motto to himself: "Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage… and something great will come of it." 

Something great will happen. Either you will have taken the first steps toward marrying your wife, or she will decline, and you will be a better man for it. Better because character is still forged in defeat. Today, you were brave. Today, you were a man. And those are the best steps to keep taking to find a wife.

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